Back in May, I suffered from what is called 'Existential Crisis'. It's funny that by the age of 19, I started worrying about my life for the next 5 years. I mean, seriously, I'm too young to worry about my future.
There are a lot of factors that triggered my anxiety about my existence in Gaia. First is college. I'm in my junior year now in my university, and that means when I get back to school this August, I'll have to start my thesis. My university is known for producing good talents in the field of Communication, which is my major. And in my field, it requires a lot of creativity and hard work just to be criticized by audiences. There are also A LOT of talented youngsters in my major. You should be competitive and always have fresh ideas. I also suffered from Education Fatigue. Education Fatigue is the same as Senioritis. That’s what my drama professor said. It usually happens in the mid-year of your school years. It feels like you're tired of school and just want to lie in bed until you get bored.
Another factor is about what career I'm gonna get into after college. I've saw some of my colleague which in their mid 20's doing job hoping from one work to another. It's like their never happy from their job because they never settle. I was scared that I could be like them 5 years from now. There's a lot of job position in my field anyway, since I'm a Communication student, which is like the umbrella of all the branches of media. I can be in print journalism, advertising agency, TV Network. I know I have the guts to work my ass off but after I got rejected from my job interview at Starbucks (Which is I kinda played :P) I was kinda terrified to get rejected again. and again. and again. But still I'm a young person full of idea. It's their loss. Hahahaha suckah! kidding.
Lastly, it is about the way of living here in the Philippines. It never got into my mind before to have an American Dream, like living there. This is kinda hard to understand, and you might wanna judge me. But I wished (before, back when I was having a crisis) that Americans hadn’t lost the battle to the Japanese or that I wished Gen. Douglas MacArthur came back. I don't know why I'm brainwashed to live in the States or in Canada. I was like kinda itchy to graduate college and apply for a Visa. And work abroad and settle. I was kinda tired of living in the city life here in Metro Manila, where it's hard to commute because of the high density of people and the traffic. Also, the fact that being a homosexual here in the Philippines isn't accepted but just tolerated. I was thinking that if I lived my ass off to the US or Canada, where being a chick with a dick is less oppressed or accepted. Maybe I can get the love I deserve. Well, I never know until I get there though. I'm also afraid that if I get there, the grass is much greener from where I came from. But whatever, fuck it, destiny.
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Lelaina Pierce, Valedictorian, can't get a job (Reality Bites, 1994, Universal Pictures)
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Anyhow, I've found the culprit behind these anxieties: it's because I was rushing things. I'm rushing things that should be happening at the right place and the right time. And that's the habit I should've stopped.
Thankfully, I'm now happy and contented with my current situation. I've put aside my plans for getting a visa for a moment 'till I get a stable job and earn money. I'm now focused on school and my job internship next summer. Though sometimes reality bites me like a mosquito, I easily bust it through living in the moment with a cup of caramel macchiato in my hand. :)
