Existential Crisis

Back in May, I suffered from what so called 'Existential Crisis'. It's funny that by the age of 19, I started worry about my life for the next 5 years. I mean like seriously, I'm too young to worry about my future. 

There's a lot of factors that triggered my anxiety of my existence in Gaia. First is about college, I'm in my junior year now in my university and that means when I get back at school this August; I'll have to start my thesis. My university was known for producing good talents in the field of Communication- which is my major. And in my field, it requires a lot of creativity and hardworks just to be criticized by audiences. There's also A LOT of talented youngsters in my major, you should be competitive and always has fresh ideas. I also suffered from Education Fatigue, education fatigue is same as Senioritis, that's what my drama professor said. It happens usually in mid-year of your school years. It feels like you're tired of school and just wanna lay in bed 'till you get bored.

Another factor is about what career I'm gonna get into after college. I've saw some of my colleague which in their mid 20's doing job hoping from one work to another. It's like their never happy from their job because they never settle. I was scared that I could be like them 5 years from now. There's a lot of job position in my field anyway, since I'm a Communication student, which is like the umbrella of all the branches of media. I can be in print journalism, advertising agency, TV Network. I know I have the guts to work my ass off but after I got rejected from my job interview at Starbucks (Which is I kinda played :P) I was kinda terrified to get rejected again. and again. and again. But still I'm a young person full of idea. It's their loss. Hahahaha suckah! kidding.

Lastly is about the way of living here in the Philippines. It never got into my mind before to have an American Dream, like living there. This is kinda hard to understand and you might wanna judge me. But I wished (before back when I was having crisis) that Americans haven't loss the battle to the Japanese or that I wished Gen. Douglas MacArthur came back. I don't know why I'm brainwashed to live in the States or in Canada. I was like kinda itchy to graduate college and apply for a Visa. And work abroad and settle. I was kinda tired of living in the city life here in Metro Manila where it's hard to commute because of high density of people, and the traffic. Also the fact that being a Homosexual here in the Philippines isn't accepted but just tolerated. I was thinking that if I lived my ass of to US or Canada, where being a chick with a dick is less opressed or accepted. Maybe I can get the love I deserve. Well I never know until I get there though. I'm also afraid that if I get there, the grass is much greener from where I came from. But Whatever, fuck it destiny.

Lelaina Pierce, Valedictorian, can't get a job (Reality Bites, 1994, Universal Pictures)

Anyhow, I've found the culprit on these anxieties, it's because I was rushing things. I'm rushing things that should be happening at the right place and the right time. And that's the habit I should've stop.

Thankfully, I'm now happy and contented on my current situation. I've put aside my plans on getting a visa for a moment 'till I get a stabled job and earn money. I'm now focused on school and for my job internship next summer. Though sometimes reality bites me like a mosquito, I easily bust it through living the moment with a cup of caramel macchiato in my hand. :)